The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
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I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game