“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim