The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
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I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
choose your fighter
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again