The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
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me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.