The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
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One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Has science gone too far?
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut