the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
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Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
i hate you platonically
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover