the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me recordaron éste meme
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
#oldknees
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it