The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I have a type: disappointing
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move