The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?


Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.


Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.


Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!


Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.


Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?


Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.


Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.


Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL