Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
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*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
*kneels to pray*
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now