The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed