The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
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uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Bootstraps
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.