The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Noah
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.