THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
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I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
Can’t stop laughing
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Blew my mind.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression