The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
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In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh