The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
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I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Always…
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
2022 will be better than 2021
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Pizza is an emotion right?
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away