The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
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I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.