The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
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JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Morning.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*