The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
why I oughta
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
there has never been a better use of this meme
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.