The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
pat pat
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it