The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
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big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
saving face 👀
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok