The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
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Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
i made a craigslist ad !
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.