The cake is mightier than the sword.
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Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*