THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED