The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
You Might Also Like
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
#Caturday