The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
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me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.