The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting