The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought