The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
You Might Also Like
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
White parent Vs Arab parents
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
i will avenge u mr van gogh
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.