Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.

*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon

I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?

JAMES: he’s a-

ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

[god creating sharks]

angel: what is this?

god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.

saving face 👀

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

“I know how to make an entrance.”

-guy who builds doors

Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try

When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.

I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!

*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.