The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
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Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I hope Alan is OK
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
“you recording!?”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?