the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles