The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
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Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
3% human
97% stress
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.