The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie