The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”

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When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.


[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.


Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.


Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.


Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.

Guy: Hey-

Me: Not you.


Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx


It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”


I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.