The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
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A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*