The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
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The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
thank god
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I never know how much to tip a cow.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.