The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea