The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
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If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Just a bush.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.