The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
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I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/