THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
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The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Autocorrect completely socks
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
that’s really how it is
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”