the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
You Might Also Like
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*