The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
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Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Breaking news:
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.