The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
broke down and did it
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
This is what makes twitter great
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’