The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Flowers bee like
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.