The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
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If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?