“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
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if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!