The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
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I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.