the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
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[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
meow
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife