The cats activated the rainbow portal again
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I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?