The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
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This is sending me to another galaxy
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she鈥檚 not ready for… best 27 seconds we鈥檝e spent together recently.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Pretty much. 馃ぃ
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you鈥檙e hilarious. i didn鈥檛 grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Women鈥檚 version: Body Soap
Men鈥檚: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras