The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
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My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
I am HOWLING at this
How do you milk an almond?
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.