The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?