The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
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I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.